time flies when you're having fun

i'm absolutely drained from dead week and final exams. stupidly, i got 30 minutes of sleep the night before an 8 am final and test. i decided to move on post-thanksgiving break from him who is far from compatible with me. oddly enough, i met someone the weekend of. and since... we haven't spent a day apart. i don't know what to do. i like him so much and don't want to hurt the other.

i got no crystal ball

it's weird being in an environment filled with people oblivious to your past and those you were associated with. it's so foreign to me to describe an event with my best friends in terms of "once my friends and i did this" and the listener has no idea. it's bizzarre.

where nobody knows you and nobody gives a damn

"things were good when we were young"

it may be that time of month or even that time of the year where i'm overwhelmed with melancholy emotions. seasonal depression? perhaps. or does the weather just force you to be inside, with less distractions, and confront reality.

i'm dissatisfied and incomplete. i feel that i'm not using my time wisely and i'm bored with repetition. everyday has become the same. eat, learn, eat, learn, eat, sleep or more along the lines of: eat, memorize, eat, memorize, sleep.

i feel like my day should consist of so much more and feelings of doubt has returned. is this where i want to be? is this where i imagined myself to be years ago? i'm just building a foundation for a successful future. i guess you start from the ground up, and the starting place isn't always ideal.

my week beats your year

i feel a sense of direction coming on and things are working on my time. a day after adulthood... 11/10/09 demonstrates backwards chronological order. it takes time to look back to move forward. a week later... the moon is in my sign. i feel ridiculous finding all these weird little correlations but i love finding them. my birthday is the 313th day of the year in which cambodia became independent from france; my origins. FUCKING WEIRD. 11/9/1991... the amount of 1's and 9's is 3. damn, my birthday must be significant. or others might say... crackhead.

too young

"I guess I couldn't live without the things that made my life what it is
Can't you hear it calling oh yeah
Everybody's shakin' oh yeah
Tonight everything is over
I feel too young"

17 years and 364 days into life. Tomorrow, November 9, 2009; marks a new year: a new beginning. I'm independent and in a fulfilling environment. I don't really know how I feel about the current situation I stand in. I'm too young for now, and I'll still be too young tomorrow. Live fast, die young. I'm always being told to "slow down" I'm moving too fast. But I'm soaring and whoever can keep up will do.

turning back time

halloween has ended - turning back time for daylight savings and a new month has begun. this is my month, my year, my life. it's november and i'm 8 days barely legal. i'm about two months into school and am having the time of my life. it's funny how you anticipate things to be so different than they actually turn out. always, i've been more of a seattle girl caught up in the "bright lights, big city" way of it all and here i am, in bellingham, in love more than ever. the mentality of it all is unbelievably great... where materials mean nothing and good company means everything.
i'm so excited for what's in store and am finding that balance to maintain a good life socially and academically.
i miss my family and friends, but i'm moving forward and nothing's holding me back. i can't wait to see where i am five years from now. this is just the beginning and it is so promising. i've made a good set of friends that i would've never expected four years ago. they're all there for me and appreciate the person i am unlike the superficial bullshit i dealt with with everyone besides bryce and olivia. i'm not as judgmental and certainly less concerned with what others think about me. i think i'm finally content... comfortable with the person i am... to an extent. once i know my place, and a specific destination i'm going i will be more satisfied. but for now, i'm just going in a positive direction that will eventually lead me to exactly where i want to be.

free fallin'

finally comfortable and content with this time and place and state of mind i'm in and it feels so good. i've been in school 4 days shy of a month. the load isn't too heavy and the company i've been surrounding myself in is great with an exception of one.

i didn't think things would go so well as i still have a burden back home. i'm too scared to finish it off. soon enough as i've been overwhelmed with temptation and others with greater things in store.

moving on

i'm fucking sick of making excuses and justifying others' actions. it's just a waste of time. i never imagined i'd be in this state of mind at this time and place. get me out.

overdramatic

i'll be moving on in exactly two weeks without a car and no good friends. ive done everything these towns have to offer and know that it'll be good for me. but fuck, i cant help but be overdramatic with phil collins blasting downstairs and a torrential downpour endlessly tapping on my window.

i'm just upset because i won't be as free as i planned. there is no escape from the restraints of peers and parents. in order to know exactly where i am at all times... my precious lesbaru will be left abandoned for the sake of my parents' sanity.

i have twenty fucking dollars to my name and a dent to pay off. i need change, i need security, and i need uppers.

i just miss how things used to be.

time of the season

when the love runs high 

in this time give it to me easy

and let me try with pleasured hands

to take you in the sun to promised lands to show you everyone it's the time of the season for loving...

it's been a month and three days ive endured the "freedom" of our land... and ive never felt so restrained.

im so anxious to move out in sixteen days to bellingham. i worry it's not far enough... but anything will do

in my current boredom. this town, this state... has nothing new to offer.

back

here i am at home again. its unbelievable that a month has elapsed since the journey of a lifetime in which ive accomplished so little with so much to show for and vice versa. my appreciations and perspectives altered, this metamorphosis has encouraged me to grow and recognize the areas ive been living childishly.

within the two weeks i stayed in southern france, i became acquainted with various people as well as myself. its been so long since ive experienced the freedom from loneliness. i indulged in the beauty of france as i leisurely strolled with no plans and "the dharma bums", rhodia notebook, and pen by my side.

its mind-boggling how much more satisfied and complete i felt aimlessly walking around france in comparison to my current hectic schedule completing useless tasks that dont expand or benefit me in any way. i was forced to focus on me without the distractions i have here.

in cannes, i met simon on the "Mr. M" yacht who spontaneously lives life "going with the flow" who motivated me to enjoy the simplicities in life. 30 years old, having lived in iceland, england, canada, new york... drives me to travel and gain exposure to the cultures of the world many ignore. i dont want to be an ignorant fool who takes this "comfortable" american lifestyle for granted. with his rolled american spirits, blue eyes, and charm... we ended the night/morning with a peck ill never forget.

in mandelieu, i met nargesse who was everything i thought i wanted to be; captivating, intelligent, beautiful, ambitious, and in the field of public relations working from france and montreal. however, she was a workaholic with a glint in her eyes that told me she wasnt happy putting love after wealth.

upon arrival, i was caught off guard with a nice surprise. ive found someone im open and honest with and have developed true feelings for. considering ive only been here for two weeks and leave for college in a month, the likeliness of it all working out remains unknown. i havent felt like this about someone ever and im well aware of the potential as well as being young and impressionable. i refuse to overestimate or understimate the seriousness of our relationship... but i cant help but wonder about what the future with him entails. helplessly/hopelessly, im a fucking realist and always catch myself thinking about the ending before the beginning even really begins.

i dont feel the butterflies i usually get for mindless flings. im lost in admiration for his intelligence and drive, and for once, im being challenged and learning from his wisdom. i never wouldve imagined this wouldve happened... especially not now.

everything happens for a reason and although this isnt the most convenient timing... it will work out if it was meant to be.

staying strong and soaring

i cant wait to prove them wrong for myself.
i worked, i fought, i followed, i struggled, i lead, i perservered, and i will soar.
fuck those with doubt and no confidence in me.
i will be better.

blood - alternate lives

im not as family-oriented as id like to be for friends and fun are shamefully first priority. this 18 day stay has forced me to participate in many family activities that have given me a sense of completion as well as incompletion. ive learned about my roots and about my cousins, aunts, uncles, grandmother, and father. my grandma; a great, frugile woman caught up in 80 year old gossip was abandoned by her father, her only parent, and her husband later died while she was pregnant with tata. my uncle, thannory, a chain smoking artist in secrecy dedicated to cambodia is caught up in the competition of status. his wife, my aunt, miserable at home with nothing else to do but obsess about but her children's safety and her appearance. my cousins, jonathan is waiting to escape the chains of the suburbs for the parisian lifestyle in the city; anthony is content with what he has and manages to balance two lifestyles without giving in to the common pressure of his friends; rebecca, a curious one, doesnt dare to question the boundaries. shes seventeen and lives the life i fought and knew until the age of fourteen. with a heart of gold and greater mentality - she "cant" and doesnt push the limits. many of her interests are identical to mine but her lack of exposure has made it impossible for her to view the other side i find so appealing and the greed that accompanies it. i got a taste and i wanted more, more, more. while she envies me for the freedom ive managed to attain i envy her for the simplicity of her life. i envy her for having that young, curious mind without the need of substance to be occupied with temporary happiness.
ive always wanted more all of the time. more, more, more. but this time around, i want less.

time's on my side

overcast and gloomy, noisy-le-grand hasnt been looking so great these days. yesterday, i visited james morrison's grave at the most unique cemetery in paris. surrounded by cobblestones, enormous tombstones, and dirt, his burial site was much less extravagant than the others. i liked it. after reading the history of his 10 minute burial, cheap casket, peculiar girlfriend, and the few words exchanged - i couldnt help but wonder the events that happened before his overdose. i guess its controversial like all other legends' deaths from the likes of kurt, jimi, janis, michael, etc. etc.
anyway, like all other touristic sites i was disappointed in the level of "intimacy" i received. mona lisa was small, covered, fenced around, glanced at, barely appreciatedm versailles was overcrowded, overwhelming, touristic, and breath-taking nonetheless; jim's grave was fenced around and covered by fans' gifts as a man threw a joint with the words, "this one's for you, bud"; a touching gesture.
the walk through the cemetery was grey, haunting, and beautiful.
i really enjoyed the stroll accompanied by my cousin jonathan.
i spent the night with rebecca to discover i laugh, talk, and snore in my sleep... lady-like and attractive.
today, i visited the andy warhol exhibition in champs-elysees which was infested with artsy tourist parisian wannabe fucks. however, i wasnt disappointed. the lay out was nicely organized and every piece was fresh without fences and plastic covers. it was incredible seeing his work in real life rather than a book and examining the layers and layers he went through.... or his factory workers went through. my personal favorites were his self-portraits in drag and his last piece before he died... the last supper. i loooooovedd seeing the clip tests of each subject he used for portraits. each person, out of his or her mind, adjusting themselves, and vain/gone as fuck. clearly, the poster people for the european teens aspiring to be "skins" characters.
the walk through champs-elysees was a different story. every girl dressed like the olsens' line of clothes - tailored blazers, heels, tights, messy hair, bones and skin, sitting at the cafes - bored. i hate how they take this for granted; this life and the wealth their parents possess. i hate how having a fortune and access to the nicest things automatically gives them a place in the field of fashion.
fuck this bullshit. its how the world works, i guess. born rich, live rich; born poor, live poor, and maybe if you spend your entire life working and get rich youll barely enjoy the luxuries. get rich or die trying.
the lifestyles nice, man, and ive got two sides to me.im bitter - i would kill to be alongside them walking champs-elysees thinking im better and having the time of my life. but they look sad. every single stick and bone - a clone to the next.

mj, mj, mj

ive always been a fan but never took the time to thoroughly process the one and only. post-death exposure to him is inevitable and im growing more and more intrigued as i see clips of his concerts, fans, friends, past, family, neverland, and funeral.
he has inspired countless as his talent is undeniable.
ive heard stories that i cant depict as truth or fable - but i do know he has an unbelievably captivating presence known to billions. fuck man, he is soo good. i have never been empowered through a television screen and seen such a remarkable reaction from an audience. his energy and persistence is unreal as he has perservered through an overbearing father and life of fascination.
his wardrobe and technique cant be matched as he was willing to take a risk to be different.
he was raised and pushed to be successful... and successful he was... is.
fame and fortune cant compensate for the insecurities and doubts developed at a young age. as an adult, living the childhood he missed in neverland, his sexuality is such a debatable issue since i cant see him sexually active with anyone... the mother of his children, a boy, a man, or a woman...
hes michael jackson. theres nothing and never will be anything quite like him.

i see paris, i see france

only 10 days has elapsed and this unexplainable feeling hasnt left. i havent felt this ambition in awhile - to learn this culture and live this culture. im so determined to eventually make this temporary residence permanent while im impressionable, young, and willing.
theres nothing like the struggle of learning the metro system and the strolls down the piss-marked streets live with people of foreign backgrounds. i want this so bad.
its impossible to take it all in as the nights turn into days and days into nights. i want it all.
this experience has started off completely different than the last as ive made several friends from a single cigarette.
i visited the modern art museum and stumbled across galleries exhibiting originals of john lennon, bob dylan, the beatles, student work, contemporary, traditional - the likes of what i want in my future.
this lifestyle is as surreal as within arms reach. just several tickets, and its mine. its hard to conceive it all within a short visit and i want it all.
ive been contemplating attending a university through the international program considering im one of dual citienship. but ive come to the conclusion im better off if im patient and achieve an education in the states - where our shitty educational system is expensive and easy.
today i watched woody allens film 'whatever works' and couldnt agree more with this director's satirical ideas. im glad i got to watch this film while i was here - a reminder of how nothing is permanent.
i can always change my plans as i leisurely stroll and discover what my future entails.

april's for fools

i visited western's campus last week and didn't fall in love.
i'm sitting here contemplating whether i even want to attend a university.
i did the bullshit busy work, i obeyed the rules, and i got what i wanted. or what i thought i wanted.
i don't have a set career i want to pursue but i know what i love and want to incorporate that with my "bright" future.
travel, music, people, cultures, food, art.
i can't produce anything great but i'd like to think i've got taste.
last week was spring break and that was an experience.
i've been in at least ten food comas in the past two days.
easter got the best of me!

creations

shit i've made

audrey kawasaki reproduction - 2009

bob dylan stencil - 2008

the beginning

i've tried everything else, so why not this?
i can't distinguish the months/weeks/days/hours; they've transformed into a blur i've been enduring.
it's fucking weird that i've been accepted into seattle u, western, and portland state thus far.
i just thought my reaction would be more dramatic. fuck, it's my future, right? i should be ecstatic.
it's just an excuse to celebrate, i guess. and believe me... i've done plenty of celebrating.
i'm numb and it's better this way. i loathe coming down; falling and fucking up.
anyway, on a lighter note, it's march 31. april fools tomorrow? what the fuck?
i can't believe it's april already!